anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
