Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
