Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you remember whose house we're in?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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