Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
