Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
