Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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