yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
