thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
