i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
