you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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