So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
