My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize