My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
