Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
