She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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