I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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