I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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