She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
