I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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