Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
