I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize