I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
