My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
