someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
