I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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