Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
