i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
pop tarts are not kleenex
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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