come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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