Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
