when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
