The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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