He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
