When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
