the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
