FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
why do cheetos always look like penises
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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