he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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