Ambien. No doubt about it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You pole danced in your parka.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
