glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
