I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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