Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize