So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
