I have demons in me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize