I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
