I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
