4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How's work?
Spinning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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