Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize