Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Randomize
