As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
