aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
