its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
