Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize