My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
