I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
