i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
