I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
