Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I will be naked everywhere
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
