Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
