my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
