one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
