So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
