I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
